“Do you think anyone will answer? 250k isn’t particularly a huge sum of money for someone buying casket drinks for people in a club.” I was nervous, so I was rambling a bit.
Nene tapped my hand soothingly. “Oh come on, 80% of the boys here are super broke, and just trying to act like they belong. Don’t even get me started on the women.”
“Exactly! So, let Peter drop the ad with the bartender and all will be fine.” Dolapo chipped in.
Femi gave me one of his megawatt smile after Dolapo’s statement. “Put on a brave face darling. Take a sip of your drink and smile.”
I picked up my second bottle of smirnoff ice, opened it and took a large swig at once. I was nervous, and I felt it was understandable, giving what I am about to do. Peter went to the bartender to help dispense our proposal alongside each drink he sells, so it was a little too late to back out.
Speak of the devil, or think of the devil, seeing as I was only thinking of him and not speaking of him. Peter reappeared by our corner, and plopped himself without ceremony into the space beside Nene.
We all looked at him expectantly, but Peter was silent. The sadist was enjoying the way he tortured us, and the pleasure was clearly written all over his face. He started fanning himself with all pomp and pageantry, and when I couldn’t take it anymore, I picked Nene’s purse, leaved over Nene, and started hitting the idiot with the purse.
“Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Will you cut it out, you violent woman?” He jolted up from his stagnation, and scrambled away from my reach.
“I’m on Donnie’s side this time. You deserve it babe.” Nene said to her boyfriend sweetly.
“This is why she doesn’t have a boyfriend. She’s too violent.” Peter grumbled.
I raised Nene’s purse and gave him a threatening look. “Say one more nonsense, and this purse will hit your powerhouse.”
He gulped visibly, and dramatised locking his lips, and throwing away the key.
“Now is not the time to zip your lips bro. Tell us what the bartender said, will you?” Femi kicked Peters leg.
He yelped and started rubbing his shin. “You should probably just date Donnie. You’re both violent.”
“Yeesh, calm down, I’ll tell you.” He rolled his eyes like the drama queen he is. “I told the man about our proposal, and even he seemed interested. Anyway, long story short, he agreed to tell anyone buying drinks about the offer, and where they can find us. And that was after I tipped him with 1k. The glutton.”
“That’s great news Peter.” Nene rubbed his cheeks and the idiot started leaning closer to his girlfriend.
Thank God Femi interrupted them before I did, because my way would have been less nicer.
“Cut it out you two. You are not bunnies, are you?” He reprimanded them.
“Oh come on, I just want to kiss my baby.” Peter whined.
“You can do that when you get home, right now, I think our first applicant is on his way over here.” Femi signaled to the left with a slight move of his right hand.
We all looked towards the guy he pointed at, and I smiled. He wasn’t ugly, neither was he stunning. He was just right, which means, I can actually live with seeing his face for three days without either blushing, or cringing.
One thing stood out though; he was wearing a suit.
“Who wears suit to a club?” Nene voiced out all our thoughts.
“Can you guys stop staring at him? You might scare him off.” Femi whispered as the guy got closer to our corner.
We all looked away at the same time.
“In our defense, he looks like all those interpreters you’ll find at an MFM church, and that’s not something to be found in a club.” Peter grinned.
“Or maybe he just returned from work.” I whisper yelled. The man was closer now, but he stopped to talk to someone.
“Or he’s a corporate driver.” Dolapo offered his own suggestion.
“I know he’s not a dummy like you all, and stop talking, seeing as…” Femi didn’t finish his statement before he stood up and offered his hand to the guy in suit. “Hi, I’m Femi, and these are my friends. I suppose you are here about the job?”
Guy in suit shook Femi’s hand and flashed a smile at us all. “Good evening everyone. My name is Handsome, and yes, I am here about the job.”
We were all silent as we stared at him. We were probably doing the same thing in our minds; trying to reconcile the face with the name. And who in God’s name goes by the name Handsome? That was red flag number one for me.
Femi had to kick Dolapo before we all jolted out of our reveries, and started mumbling our greetings to Daddy Handsome.
“Please have a seat.” Femi gestured at the empty chair we dragged to our corner for all the interviewees.
“Look, we’ll cut right to the chase. We need someone that’ll accompany a beautiful lady to a family event this coming weekend, act as her fiancé, convince her family, and the person gets paid 250k by Monday morning.” Femi sat down as he spoke to sergeant Handsome.
“Wow!” Pastor Handsome looked excited.
“That’s a good offer, right?” Dolapo asked with a smile.
“Of course. So, I’m hoping the lovely lady will be this voluptuous woman here.” He licked his lips as he stared at Nene with hunger on his face.
Frankly, I wasn’t jealous, because I would never want anyone to look at me like I was a piece of KFC chicken.
“Brother Handsome. Please leave. We’ll get back to you.” Peter was seething with anger.
“But I haven’t even..”
“Alright. I hope to hear from you soon. I’ll be waiting by the bar. See you around beautiful.” He threw a disgusting wink at Nene as he swaggered off.
We all sighed collectively.
“Remember the part where I told you this was a bad idea?” I looked pointedly at Peter.
“Relax Donnie. I’m sure this was just beginner’s rotten luck. The rest will be different.” Femi assured me.
Yes, they were different. Very different because they were worse.
“How loving do you think you are?” Peter asked.
Guy 4 took a big sip of my smirnoff. My own smirnoff oh. “Very loving actually. As long as she doesn’t look down on me or disrespect me because she’s paying me. I hate bitches like that. Like what have you got to be proud of? That chicken change? Anyway, me dey beat person oh. Abi wetin you feel?”
“Can you cook? Because you’re supposed to be a chef.” I asked Guy 7
He laughed. He actually freaking laughed at me.
“That’s a tricky question, right? I mean, you’re the woman, why would I ever have to cook for you when you’re there? What’s your job?” He crossed his legs and gave me a self assured smile.
“Me, I have a question oh.” Guy 8 raised his hand.
“Yes, what is it?” Dolapo asked.
“Will I be allowed to give knackademus to the babe?”
Okay, that’s it. I’m done.
I stood up and faced the grinning human with a very menacing glare. “If you don’t get you and your cheap Hausa perfume away from me this instant, that your knackademus organ will find its way to an autopsy table, being chopped off for medical students.”
“Jeez chill. I mean, you’re not that hot. I only wanted to help your life.”
I paused, looked at my friends, smiled and…
“Donnie, stop. He’s not worth it.” Femi quickly stood up to hold my hand from punching that idiot applicant in the face.
“Little wonder you have to pay a man to be with you. You are crazy. I’m outta here.”
The guy walked off and when he was a considerable distance away, Femi finally released me.
“You know what guys? Maybe they are right, I am crazy, ugly, and unworthy of a guy’s love. But you know what I didn’t try to do? I didn’t try to pay a man to be with me. You all came up with that idea. So, you know what? I’m done receiving insults for something you geniuses came up with. I am done.”
I picked up my purse and made my way off from our corner as calls of ‘Donnie wait’ followed me out of the club.
I marched with vengeance towards my ugly car, while tears silently fell off my face. I didn’t care about not having a man in my life, but being reminded of the reasons why I was unattractive to men was too much for me in a night. Someone caught up with me and pulled me back.
“Sweetheart, please don’t cry.” He looked at my face and started wiping the tears off my cheek.
“I’m not crying. Something entered my eyes.” I mumbled.
He chuckled silently and kissed my forehead. “What am I going to do with you, Donatella?”
“Let me go home.”
“Look, you are the smartest, most beautiful, and kindest lady I know. Any guy, and I repeat, any guy, would be lucky to have you in his life. Either as a friend or as a lover. So, now get your cute little ass inside your car and go sleep off the drama. Let’s have lunch together tomorrow, at that restaurant near your office.”
I hugged him tight and thanked him for everything. He opened my car door for me, and shut it after I was seated comfortably. I kicked the car and it coughed out smoke as usual, while Femi started laughing.
I gave him the middle finger, and he blew me a kiss in response. He waved at me and went back into the club while I pulled out of the parking lot. The car coughed again.
Ugh! I hate my car truly.
So, that’s that about the interview. Let me give you guys a little amebo about the coming chapters: there’s going to be a love triangle. Can you guess who and who will be involved? Let me know your thoughts in the comments.